emotique.net

I’m exhausted. Physically exhausted.

I need sleep. I wish I can sleep. Argh! This sucks.

I had sore throat earlier, now I’ve got a blocked nose… I’m paranoid. I can’t fall sick! No way!

My mantra for the evening shall be: “I can’t fall sick. I can’t fall sick. I can’t fall sick.”

My gawd I feel like crap.

It hasn’t been an easy week. Letters to prepare, results to tabulate… But what kills me so far are those non-streetsmart (read: stupid!) foreign students bugging the hell out of me with their silly requests/questions… How often have I wished I can hit them on the head a dozen times with a frying pan… I lost count.

Taureans supposedly love routines. So since Monday, this anal taurean, has been going through the same ol’ cycle of waking up, going to work, doing overtime, going home, eating, sleeping.

Oh, I forgot to add the two sticks per day and the daily fight over the ashtray with my dad. Why did he have to spoil his? Hrm.

I guess it’s not that bad right? Having a routine, going to sleep before 11pm and waking up at 7am. Well, the thing is, I keep waking up at 4am every morning! Then I’ll drift off back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later feeling like crap… Bah.

So what happens if an anal taurean gets too used to a normal stagnant routine? Hmmm… he/she will probably end up like I did just a while ago. I totally freaked and almost had a heart attack twice in 30 minutes. Fun? You bet. Not! Good thing is they made a fuss over nothing… it ain’t my fault.

But dang I still have loads to clear… So what if it’s Friday. Big deal. I still have work tomorrow. Sheesh.

And yes, I’m rambling. Shut up.

Read Thot’s blog and found this.

Hmmm…

Your Brain Usage Profile
Auditory : 26%
Visual : 73%
Left : 41%
Right : 58%

Elizabeth, you possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in “wholes” without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some “inner dialogue.”

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk “missing out” on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

I wonder how true it is… comments anyone?!

If I am toned, I wouldn’t mind wearing the dudou found here.

Another motivation to lose weight! Bah!

Ever wondered why just as we’ve decided on stepping forward, to break free of the dark strings that binds us, something will happen that would halt the growing optimism inside?

Sometimes its the people around us who are still wallowing in their misery. They need someone to accompany them in that deep dark well where they reside. And they have chosen you, YOU as their special companion. Sometimes its just events that happens, not before, not after, but now. Right after you have finally decided to embrace the light at the end of this dark tunnel.

You’ve decided to get out finally. But darkness forbids you to leave. They cling tooth and nail to keep you. Determined to have you as their lifelong companion.

How can we break free of their grasp, prevent them from consuming us entirely. How can we turn a deaf ear to their sweet whisperings to stay where we’ve been for so long? How can we embark on this journey we’ve been wanting to take but have always put on hold?

Fear has kept us long enough. Fear of breaking away from that warm cocoon we’re so used to. Fear of change.

Shall we always stay stagnant in this deep waters and let darkness control us? Or can we break free through sheer determination? By pushing aside all the negative. To finally realise our innate potential and turn into the butterfly we’re all suppose to be…

The darkness lurking within plays its evil tricks in our head, crippling us with our fears. If we pause and seek peace within ourselves, perhaps we shall find some answers to the questions we seek. Do the darkness control us, or did we willingly surrender ourselves to its evil influence.

To you I’d say, come out from that warm cocoon, you’ve been there long enough. Break free, my dear butterfly, for you belong in the sun. One full of beauty within you, you just need to learn your true worth. Yearn no more, you’ve waited long enough. Dance among the flowers and realise your true potential. For then you shall finally be free.

Advice given by my own private gypsy earlier this morning:

Whatever will be, will be.
But you gotta decide first, what is it you want.
If u want him, wish a little harder, Cos things have a funny way of happening these few weeks.
Whatever you wish for, you will have it.
Why don’t you just go ahead and do something for yourself for once?
Instead of being so repressed.

Do whatever you want, as you please.
As long as it pleases you.
Take that step forward.
But before you do, decide on it,and then make that wish.

This year, you won’t completely get what you want,
But you’d still have fun along the way so decide first.
Tell yourself, I’d just relax and have fun, and stop worrying what will happen next and then you’d know what to do.

And p/s: If you feel like doing something today, do it, you might get a pleasant reply in return.

No more. No more shall I hang on.

Alone if I must, I shall move forward. Say a final goodbye to my yesterdays, no longer living in these shadows, or allowing myself to be plagued by my past.

“Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold”

I shall rise out from the depth of darkness, embrace the light. I shall seek the part of me I’ve buried, they shall be dormant no more.

“I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice
without a soul”
- Bring me to life, Evanescence

I need to crawl out of this black hole, it has engulfed me long enough. I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper, drowning in a pool of doubt. I need to stop before I kill the remaining part of me that is still alive.

Untitled
I wish you hadn’t let me down
Tearing my heart to shreds
When you walked out
Broken heart, shattered dreams
Did you think twice
When you gave up
Now it’s too late to turn around
What we’ve lost, they’re lost in time
Unrepairable the hurt I’ve felt
Misery & emptiness, time shall erase
Picking up the pieces
From a once pleasant dream
I shall heal
From the darkness within
Memories buried
In the sands of time
My future beckons
I must move on

- 24th April 2003

I have too many thoughts running in my head. I think too much.

“Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind”
- Unwell, Matchbox 20

I’ve learnt to enjoy my solitude. A time for myself to let my thoughts run. Tormenting thoughts I keep so well hidden, like a time bomb I’m waiting to explode so everything would end.

I hate sharing my world with people, especially strangers. Why should I share my world to someone who might never understand, understand how someone like me can be so screwed. And for some others, they will not be interested in how the mind ticks at all. That’s not their purpose. Proclaiming everlasting lust, it is something else they seek. Something else I used to be willing to give but not anymore.

“My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged”
- Damaged, TLC

I’m just a little unconventional, a little different. I’m weary. I don’t need anyone to tell me how wrong I am or how I should live my life. I don’t need to be made to feel inadequate anymore just because I am a female. I don’t need any judgements passed about me just because of what I did. Take me as I am. I’m human afterall.

You may think you know me, but you may not. Stick around if you want to, perhaps one day you may just get a brief glimpse into my world of insanity.

“But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be”
- Unwell, Matchbox 20

Right now, I just need a hug…