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Dearest B,

My darling, my love, my panda, my mr Bibik, my favourite person in the world and more.

It’s been a very long while since I last saw you and I’ve been thinking about you everyday.

Firstly I must apologise as I probably won’t be as eloquent as I usually am. Penning this is difficult. Amid the various flashbacks and thoughts that are coming across too randomly for me to verbalise in a constructive manner, it means I’m finally accepting reality. But I’m going to bare my soul nevertheless.

I guess you can call this my letter of goodbye cos after writing whatever I have to say, I’m going to fade into obscurity. I’m letting you go.

My heart has not ceased to love you. On the contrary, I miss and love you more. However, as selfish as I’d like to be and want you close, I think you’re happy where you are, chasing your dreams and making your mark in this world.

My heart tells me this is how it should be cos your happiness has always mattered to me. My presence will only hinder you from taking flight. So as hard as it is, I will step away and bring with me all the memories we shared. Though there may not be many, but every moment has been precious to me.

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Days and weeks spent in deep thoughts, trying to make sense of all that has happened. Minutes continue to crawl and slowly I’m starting to breathe again.

Your shadow still lingers in the deep recesses of my mind. Often when I’m staring blankly ahead, I see you, smiling.

I’ve inked the thoughts of my head and heart. All that’s left unspoken, I’ll keep them hidden until someday I’m ready to have them exposed.

We’ve had our chance and the circumstance was such that we had to part. You’ve drifted off and soon I shall do the same. Leaving behind the deluge of memories which will slowly fade with time.

Perhaps.

Love is wisdom from the heart.

Today wisdom spoke to me.

When it is right. everything will fall into place. In its own time, in its own place. When that time comes, we will find a way out of the darkness. Insurmountable odds will not daunt us nor will it break our spirits. Cos when we have faith, we can ride out any storm together.

For all it could’ve been, I know I cannot cling on to what is no longer possible.

In the meantime, let me sit here a while, to reminisce and to savour.

As it was meant to be said on the gift but somehow didn’t, all I wanted to tell you was:

“Thank you for the perfect moments. Be Happy. ”

“There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.”
- Gretchen Kemp

Sometimes in our quest for answers and to reach the final destination, we forget that it is the knowledge and experience gained from the journey that matters the most.

When I finally opened my heart, I started learning the lessons I’m meant to be learning.

“Love should be affirmative”, he said, “it should be about acceptance, accepting another person’s flaws but loving him for who he is”.

I listened in wonder and amazement knowing that it was a reminder. It was part of the lesson, to help me get to the answer I sought.

It was a short and simple message yet it made so much sense.

Most times we are often too quick to judge, to want to try to change a person to be who we want them to be, to focus on the negatives which in turn make ourselves miserable.

Seldom do we show appreciation for the positives we see in our partners. We take their efforts for granted. We rant and rave when they can’t seem to fit into the mold we built for them. We kick a fuss when their actions are not how we idealized them to be.

Is this how love is meant to be?

To claim to love yet to make them miserable for their flaws and if we do not succeed, feel miserable ourselves?

Then why be with this person to begin with? We should save ourselves from the trouble and misery…

So I have. I have walked away from misery, from someone who used to always try to make me laugh, but whose flaws I can never accept nor change.

Then I finally found that someone I was willing to love, flaws and all. Yet I had to let him go at the end of the day.

Isn’t life strange?

Now, I can only hope and continue to have faith…

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
– 1 Corinthians 13:13

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When you love someone, you gotta learn to let them go…

How sad, how true.

When I Dream About You – Stevie B.

There was a time in my life
When I opened my eyes and there you were,
You were more than a dream,
I could reach out a touch you,
Boy Girl that was long ago.
There are something’s that I guess I’ll never know,
When you love someone
You got to learn to let them go.

When I dream about you,
That’s when everything’s all right,
You’re in my arms
Here next to me, forever.
When I dream about you,
Boy Girl you never go away,
Just close my eyes
Wait for my dreams
Cause I still love, loving you.

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I’m counting the days since you’ve pushed me far away from you. How I wish I’m counting down to when I’m going to see you instead.

It’s been 4 weeks and more…

Someone asked me where did my zest for life go? All I could manage was a feeble excuse and a weak smile.

As much as I try to be normal, all I see is grey. Everywhere I look, I see your face in the crowd.

Why does my heart ache so badly? Why do I still miss you so so much?

I have never seen my own eyes look so sad…

Sometimes fate deals a hand and even before you can react, someone comes along and turns your world upside down. You find yourself falling hard in the most unexpected way, with whom you share the most amazing chemistry and connection.

Sometimes you won’t know how much a person means to you until the person is gone. Then you realise he meant much more than you’ve ever imagined and unknowingly you’ve given him all that you had.

In spite of the aftermath of hurt and pain, it was all worthwhile. Bitter sweet the memories may have been yet what was shared was something that all the money in the world could not have bought.

You are my miracle and I still thank the heavens for you walking into my life.

I still have the two mineral water bottles, souvenirs of the first movies we watched. I have most of your smses saved in a file and I can recall the exchanges that took place… what you said, my responses and how I had felt. I have a calender filled with different colours, red for dates you were overseas, green for days we met.

The first working day of 2009 was the first time you messaged me from out of the blue. We were on each others’ list but we haven’t chatted in years. How strange then that you would randomly message me just because…

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I’ve been contemplative recently.

Pondering about the fragility of life, the transience of time. Every moment so fleeting that before you have ample time to savour, it is gone.

As I listened to others’ stories and experiences of lost, they have shown me that every moment should be enjoyed and cherished for you’ll never know if it’s going to be your last.

Here one moment, gone the next.

And so I shall, live, laugh & love.

Even if it means living without him but knowing he is well, laughing cos he is happy and loving him from afar…

Kiss The Rain – Yiruma & Hienie

Kiss The Rain – Yiruma (Lyrics & Singing by Hienie)

I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I’m woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
Its hollow inside
I never had your love
And I never will

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