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I don’t know how long it’d take for me to be alright again. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after.

I wonder why the stars look so dull or perhaps my eyes are at fault, I must’ve been mistaken those times I thought they were bright.

I have always thought I am stronger than this, but apparently I am wrong. It took me so long to gather the courage to hope again, only to let it slip from my grasp a split second later…

Now I’ve been wondering ever since.

I was feeling low this morning and I prayed hard to have strength to get through the day.

A ray of hope came via a youtube link sent by April who simply said it was a nice song… and it is a really apt song, which I dedicate to my heart.

Heart – Britney Spears

Heart, I know I’ve been hard on you
I’m sorry for the things I’ve put you through
Before you start to break on me or ask for sympathy
I need to make you see

O, heart, I’m not sure it’s been long enough
To say that what I feel is really love
There’s just one way to learn, sometimes we’ll get hurt
And right now it’s our turn

Give it time, help me through
Heart, we can do this together
You’re my strength, you’re my soul
I need you now more than ever

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I have no idea how I managed to get through the last couple of months. Things seemed to have blurred since May… and I’ve been sober through it all yet have no recollection of those days that rolled on by.

Yet I remember those hands that prevented me from slumping into a heap, those faces that tried to make me smile, those words that encouraged and touched me at the same time.

I can only say thank you…

And thank you God, for these angels you’ve sent.

“When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There’s always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain’t it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.”
- Angels Among Us, Alabama

I never expect myself to be this weak… but it’s almost 8 weeks and counting.

I tell myself over and over that I’m ok, that everything will be alright. It’s all good. The most important thing I tell myself every day is that you’re happier this way… so I should be happy too.

What Hurts The Most – Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
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The title says it all…

The night our souls collided, your name was forever etched on the walls of my heart.

Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carey/David Cook

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I’m letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die, no!

You’ll always be a part of me
I’m a part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
Ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby
And we’ll linger on
Time can’t erase a feeling this strong
No way you’re never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby

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I thought the rivers had run dry. Yet the tears welling up proved otherwise.

Just when I thought I am ready to take a forward stride, the first step in walking away, I get washed up in memories of you and I falter. The memory of you still brings a smile to my face.

You’re so far yet you still feel so near. We’re walking apart but why are our footsteps in sync? I see you around the corner when I turn and my soul keeps leading me back to where we were. Why does your silhouette linger ever so prominently? Especially on this date, our special day?

The truth is, I’m falling over and over again. I don’t want these feelings or memories to fade nor do I want to wake.

You are my brightest star and all I really want is you, my immortal beloved.

“Will you ever? I don’t think you will ever fully understand how you’ve touched my life and made me who I am. I don’t think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star.” – Erica Jong

The soul found the halo its been seeking
Drawn by its illuminating brillance
Unfettered and spellbound
It leaped to grasp the light
Alas the radiance dimmed and faded
Plunging day to night
In sorrow the soul recedes
To its resting place
Waving goodbye as reality wakes

I think there is a huge problem when I’m not able to ogle and look at men any more.

Well, I mean I can still appreciate their looks and everything. But that’s about it… no secret fantasies, just a split second of admiration.

Someone is so deeply ingrained in my mind that inevitably I’ll just decide that he is better.

Just last Friday in the office, we were joking about men and and engaged in a lively discussion of what we should be looking for. Well, in the midst of “finding someone rich” etc etc, all I exclaimed was, “I want Mr Bibik Lim. Period”.

Yeah, I’m shameless like that.

Too often the usual group have heard me say “I only have eyes for Mr Bibik”, eliciting some snickers for they were unaccustomed to my lovelorn state.

But now that things are done and dusted, I’m still back where I was.

In other words, I’m fucked. It seems I’ll remain status quo for a while yet in fact.

Ho hum.