Infusion’s Meant To Be was spinning at Winebar when I saw him in a distance… Many hours, a couple of drinks and smses later, I was at members with him and his friends. He was like I remembered, he even smelt the same. He still confused me, at times so cold and distant, at others like how we used to be.

It’s funny but I dreamt of him a couple of nights before we met again…

I don’t understand… how he seemingly made it like it’s my fault for leaving, for getting into a relationship.

Wasn’t that what he wanted? For me to find someone who could treat me the way he never could? To provide me with the emotional aspect he couldn’t provide?

He may have left the radio and tv medium but he still continues to haunt me, in the written form… Mr Oon.

It’s good to have a collection of emotional songs… A song from years back that I listened to, is still applicable right now…

What If – Kate WInslet

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I’d never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

‘Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
‘Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know
We’ll never know

If his business does eventually do really well, we’re looking at loads of cash here. Millions? Highly likely. Overseas businesses? Possibly.

I think I just gave away my entire inheritance with that short sms…

In the meantime, we’re still paupers.

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s alright

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

I couldn’t refrain from the bottle. I didn’t even try to resist. I knew it would’ve been futile.

That was the start of my downfall.

Halloween came and went.

We contemplated heading out but I knew the second we reached the destination, I’d turn around and want to head home. He’d then question why and we’ll end up in a heated argument. This scenerio has happened before and I was sure it won’t be the last. So shooing Ernest out the door, I settled for a pill. It took an immense effort not to mix it with a drink that night.

The darkness continued its course through my entire being and finally left me with an empty shell.

A few nights later, the dam I’ve held in place for so long collapsed. Tears formed and I was unable to hold them back as they trickled down my face. It was a sight to behold. I haven’t been this weak in eons and it sure wasn’t pretty.

I don’t know how or why. There were no reasons, I just felt like crying and I did. I sobbed in his arms till my eyes were puffy and I had to pop a pill before sleep could claim me.

He was shocked, he was worried. But now he knows.

I found it within myself to finally admit that things are not as dandy as they seem on the surface. I failed in my attempts to fend off the darkness…

By some strange quirk of fate or motherly instincts, my mum called the next day to ask if things were well. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth…

I don’t know how…

“Huh?”

I raised my brow when my Mum told me. Just a few moments earlier, she was saying how my dad refused to let my brother practise parking with the car. Days ago, he was saying Ernest might not get the hang of driving such a big arsed car. And I thought I’m the one with the mood swings. Guess it’s genetic.

So after weeks of being seen zipping around in my aunt’s Toyota, he is now driving the “mercs-guar” as my dad likes to call his Sonata, while Ernest simply refers to it as “uncle” car.

Why am I not surprised if he’s gonna end up driving my uncle’s car soon? He will probably end up driving every single car available in the family…

I think I still prefer the Toyota. Though I might change my mind when the dad finally gets the Mercs or Lexus. Hohoho. Though it wouldn’t make much difference, I can’t drive! And I don’t intend to get my licence yet despite family’s many attempts at cajoling me.

So anyway, the dad’s crazy… who knows what he’ll come up with next?

And speaking of crazy, I know I’m losing it. I’m falling to pieces.

Depressed and temperamental, I’m trying my best to steer clear of anti-depressants/relaxants. I’m also trying my darnest not to hit the bottles. The absolut vanilla is too tantalising sitting atop the table, subliminally seducing me… add coke and a couple of Cartier cigs to the equation and it’ll be a blissful escape!

I. Must. Resist.

Loads to write but not getting round to it.

Depression.

Miscarriage.

Late night shopping.

Last minute packing.

Shanghai.

My first stuffed toy from him!

I was so touched by his simple gesture that I almost cried. But I feel guilty too, making him spend an unnecessary $19 on a toy.:(

I showed him the bear and exclaimed how cute it was before putting it back on the shelf. He immediately took it and said he’ll pay for it. The salesgirl looked on in amusement while I protested and put the bear back on the shelf when he took it again. This continued for a while before the bear found itself on the cashier counter.

Being me, I hate impulse buying… I’d usually walk away and let the whim disappear. But he knew how much I liked the bear and he couldn’t bear to see me upset (no pun intended)…

Of cos there’re other lil incidents I’ve yet to write. I’ll leave those for another day…

This is a good morning I thought. Last night he surprised me with Xiaolongbaos from Din Tai Feng and some jap balls. Yummy!

What other way can a man show how much he cares?

So anyway I was in a good mood when I stepped out of the flat. I was in a good mood even when I missed the bus and had to wait 5 minutes for another. I was still in a good mood when I missed the train. Nothing could ruin my mood or so I thought. Until I stepped onto the next train and saw a man leaning against the pole!

Seeing a moron like him ruined my morning. It’s like flashing a red flag at a bull and enraging it.

I hate “pole-hoggers”!!!

The moron decided to press his entire back against the pole leaving not much space for anyone to cling onto. He is depriving sad people like me who are clumsy and have problems balancing, a life saviour!

So I spent the next few stops seeing red and envisioning ways I can mutilate the inconsiderate moron.

Imagine, stabbing the idiot with a knife repeatedly ala Happy Tree Friends’ fashion or how about stabbing the eye with a pen, pouring vinegar into his wound before dissolving the rest of him in acid…

I didn’t know I’m capable of being such a bitch so early in the morning. My brain don’t usually wake up till after 10am at the earliest.

So bitchy was I that I considered throwing some insults: “Excuse me. What the fuck is your problem? Are you blind or just plainly spastic socially inept to see that the train is crowded and by leaning against the pole you’re very inconsiderate? Blah blah blah…”

But I didn’t of cos.

Oh. Then I encountered another category of people that riles me up – those who walk into the lift, press their levels and then walk to the back of the lift… what if the door closes before I could get in?

What the fuck is their problem?!?!?!

Hmmm… I’m temperamental these days. Maybe I’ve been laughing too damn hard, been too busy annoying Ernest with incessant chatter and bimbotic comments.

What else can you expect? Intelligent stimulating conversation from a 6-week pregnant mommy?

Kidding. Hur.

Maybe I’m seeking ways to manifest my anger or frustrations elsewhere. *shrugs*