I remember the last 31st December vividly. I spent the entire day deciding what I should do: Expo, Zouk or… home? I woke up from my nap later that evening, still undecided on a location and thinking perhaps I really ought to stay home, till I received a last minute call from daddie clive. He was bored and I was trying to get out somewhere, he convinced me to go to the Sentosa foam party since he was too broke to go to either Zouk or Expo.

The queue for the bus ride into Sentosa was long, and the roads were jammed. The minutes creeped closer and closer to midnight. We managed to get on the bus at 11ish and prayed hope against hope to get to the destination in time to see the fireworks. Which we did, from a distance. Both of us and the busload of people were trapped in the midst of a traffic jam, on the bridge leading to Sentosa! Fucking hell. It was so close…

When we finally got off the bus and headed towards the beach, many people were heading home. They have welcomed the new year in the way they wanted to… but we had just started after the initial disappointment.

The stupid place was teeming with people of all shapes and sizes. I stared in amazement at the crowd. There were babes with hot bodies strutting about in their bikinis, there were the not so babelicious females showing off their not so hot bodies, there were cute guys, there were not so cute guys and there were so many… BANGALAS! Armed with digital cameras (goodness knows how they can afford one), they were eyeing all the females and probably mentally stripping them. It was a nightmare.

I remember the only enjoyment I had was the slow walk along the beach after 6am and watching the dark clouds slowly light up with pink and orange hues. It was a tranquil and beautiful morning but I felt so alone… so detached even with daddie right beside me.

Somehow, that was how my year turned out. It was a roller coaster ride with its many ups and downs – a result from being stuck on the bus in the middle of nowhere perhaps.

I hardly clubbed in 2003. I retreated into a world of my own and was the centre of the storm, often detached from people and things around me. I lost friends and I gained friends. I fell but picked myself up. I’ve been depressed many times yet maintained a grip on myself. I’ve seen people around me go through a range of emotions. I had my fair share of attention which died down when I showed no interest. I had my past catching up on me and men crawling back. I started this blog to document my thoughts but so far I still keep most thoughts to myself. I was apprehensive when it came to human relationships. Tired of all the games, dreary with the fakeness and weary of everything. I sank deep into a pool of cynism and kept my distance off everything. Till Derek came into my life.

I was looking through our past chat archives and wondered how it all started, just when I was resigned to being Miss Independent. Perhaps it is true, love comes when you least expect it.

With the ending of the year, there has been many melancholic moments and self reflection. There has been many heartaches and as well as many blissful moments. I lost some, but I gained some. I may have gained knowledge by being a bystander yet I can never fully grow as a person till I experience everything for myself.

Hopefully in the new year, I can become a better person.

May all my friends and love ones have a great year ahead and all their wishes come true!

I watched Return of the King with Derek and my ah beng (affectionate term for my younger bro) during the Saturday when the movie was first released. There weren’t any tickets left through Phone Booking so I had to go to the cinema in the morning to get the tixs for the 10pm show. Damn the queue was long but I managed to get them. Unfortunately it was the 2nd (or was it the 3rd) row seats.

That evening, Derek and I went for dinner at Country Manna first before meeting up with ah beng for the movie. The guys went into the theatre while I went to the ladies. When I went in, the first words I uttered was “shut up”. The seats were really near the damn screen! Stupid cinema. So what did my baby do? He just commented that at least we paid less then it costs to go to the iMax theatre. Hmpf! Sarcasm! But the 3 and half hour show was quite a torture being so near the screen. I was squirming and fidgeting throughout the movie and getting quite restless.

I’m sure many loved the movie. The effects were amazing. Legolas is droolsome. But frankly, I was disappointed. The freaking movie is nothing like the book! The ending ain’t right! The shire was ruin! All was not fine and dandy as the ending portrayed and Legolas shooting the huge elephant-like thingy scene is plain stupid. Liv Taylor is redundant. There are many gayish scenes and Frodo is useless!

I was so aghast at the movie I was whining my displeasure to Derek and my brother. Derek who has never seen the two previous movies couldn’t catch much head or tails about it so I ended up giving him a brief summary of the three books as we walked home. Both of us being readers of the “Dragon Lance” series agreed that it’s always better to read the books. Too often the movie adaptions are disappointing.

It has been raining incessantly the past couple of weekends and that night was no different. I spent much of the walk home avoiding puddles of water. When I stopped in the middle of my tracks to contemplate how to cross a huge puddle, my baby did the sweetest thing! He carried me! *swoons*

The next day, both of us accompanied my mum, aunt and uncle to Chinatown. I finally collected my five choices of a new name. Supposedly they have the same meaning which is better than my current. Let’s see, the choices are Yu Qin (same as my current but different characters), Ling Xi (ewww!), Xuan Ting (I like the sound of this one), Yu Qi and Yu Ling. Now which one will I choose? I have no idea… Maybe for convenient’s sake I shall stick to Yu Qin.

We went for Dim Sum that day and all of us ate like the gluttons that we are. When the rest had their fill, I managed to squeeze in two Char Siew paos. Dim Sums are never complete without them! Yum.

Poor baby fell sick that day though. I think he caught a chill somehow and I felt quite helpless. Sometimes I think I am too rusty with all the relationship bits. I don’t know how to respond! Sigh.

It seems everyone was in a holiday mood during the week of Christmas. I was busy clearing my sty of a cubicle at work and looking forward to a break. Christmas Eve was fun in a way; everyone in the office ate, laughed and was merry. Later that night I went out for supper with my baby. But nope, no church. As I loudly proclaimed to Nick, mass is a fucking waste of time. He suggested that we stone all the stupid Christians while they were at mass. Heh.

During my short break, I feel somewhat accomplished. There was the usual lazing, my new habit of sleeping at odd hours (which sucks when I have work the next day), completing a project for my dad and I managed to do clear parts of my room and the wardrobe! I also managed to transfer my stuff to the new computer. There was also the annoying competition for the use of cable that is currently shared by my dad, ah beng and myself.

Back to the wardrobe bit. I realized I have so many maximisers it is disgusting! My mum actually bought them for me to help me boost my (sorely lacking) assets. It is also disgusting to know that I’m so wasteful I hardly wear them.

Clearing my wardrobe is the single most annoying thing I ever do each year. I am thankful this time I manage to do the clearance without any hindering from the old farts. Imagine! A bunch of aunties in the room gossiping while watching your every move as you pick out something you intend to discard… They pick up the selected article and start giving their comments! The never-ending comments of how wasteful I am from those old farts makes me want to wring their necks. Grrr? *bares braces* Luckily they have all developed this habit of going out every weekend and even on weekdays! But they will still go through the pile of clothes at the end and make noise as usual.

Which reminds me, I have too many unused makeup and perfumes too… Bleh.

Heh.

Wish I can just hide somewhere quiet, somewhere where nobody can find me, then hug myself and weep.

I don’t know why I feel so disappointed, so despaired… so teary. I don’t know why, but I just feel this way.

I hate people… I just want a penknife now.

Now if I just have one arrow, it wouldn’t be too bad right? Afterall the arrow is a good arrow. I’m in love and all is fine and dandy.

But as I visualise further, I see another arrow. Now this arrow isn’t good at all. In fact it makes me feel like Bugs Bunny… You see, the arrow is sticking at my butt! It’s almost as if I have a huge target board there and a bright neon sign that says “Aim Here!”.

Work… Sigh. I swear I can get heart attacks sometimes.

I shrugged and told her I’ve put on weight. Subconsiously rubbing my bloated belly at the same time, thus reinforcing my point.

A few minutes later on the phone…

Me: My mum say I have huge thighs! *whines*
Derek: Good what! It shows you’re well fed.
Me: But… I’m fat! I have thunder thighs! I have a huge belly!
Derek: No you do not, it just means I feed you well. In fact we’ve both put on weight.

Sigh.

Thunder thighs and belly of love… not forgetting my arms! My arms! Flabby! Argh. I am beginning to look more and more like my carebears.

I wonder if there is any way I can trim these excess fats. Suggestions anyone?

Here are the top 10 truths:

1. Until you resolve past relationships, you are not free to have future relationships. Can’t seem to meet the right person? You likely have unresolved past relationships holding you back from attracting people.

2. If you feel empty, trying to date and find a mate will most likely make you feel even emptier. Desperately looking for a relationship, with some part of your life on hold? People sense neediness and stay away.

3. True sexual intimacy has very little to do with how the body looks. Rather, it has everything to do with emotional intimacy and trust. No matter what size or shape your body, you can still be loved. People feel attracted to a wide range of body types and sizes.

4. It’s much easier to be yourself than to be what you think others want you to be. If you are not being yourself, you are doing yourself a disservice. Our pretenses never really fool anyone. People somehow see right through us anyway.

5. A relationship with a foundation of dishonesty, deception or the withholding of information is like a house of cards. As such, it will fall at the slightest provocation. One of the main reasons relationships fail is that the two people can’t be honest with each other. It is not that most people lie, but that most people do not know how to tell the truth about their feelings and needs.

6. Being a people-pleaser is not an effective way to create good relationships. Acting for others is actually just an effective way to be taken advantage of. Many singles give their potential partners too much in order to entice them into the relationship. People rarely stay in relationships because of what they can get from you. Giving over the top only buys love and affection on a temporary basis.

7. Until you realize that a great relationship is created by who you are, you won’t have one. It is your most natural, authentic self that will attract the relationship you want. It is again who you are in that same authentic way that will give you the power to shape a relationship to be infinitely fulfilling.

8. Until you love yourself enough to take care of your needs, no one else will. People who look for a relationship to fulfill needs and hopes are looking for heartache. Dating and relationships are not about fulfilling needs — that is what friends, family and you are for.

9. What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about them. Don’t take the actions of others personally. This is a profound truth because once you grasp it, your relationships will be transformed. Think about it.

10. This is not a dress rehearsal — this is your life and your relationships in progress. Start today to create your life the way you want it to be.

Note: I “borrowed” the above from somewhere… wise words don’t you think?