Dearest Derek

How I wish I could be there to see you while you are sleeping. I had so many chances before but I never fully appreciate them, till now. Now I am here with this sudden longing and asking for the impossible. But how I wish there is one more chance. One more chance for me to see you, one more chance to lull you to sleep and one more chance to brush your hair away and plant gentle kisses on your forehead and cheek. How I wish I could take care of you while you are sick, bring you medication and water for your dry throat. How I wish I could switch on the air condition on warm nights and cover you with the blanket when you shiver. How I wish for so many things but they remain, as they are, wishes.

Chances I’ve had, but I’ve wasted them all away.

Maybe it’s just today that I suddenly feel this down. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be strong like I promised you I’d be. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I’ll stop crying. Maybe tomorrow all my memories will be gone.

I wish I had told you how I felt then, my feelings of bliss and appreciation. Any fool could tell how happy you made me feel when we got together. What no one could tell was how I allowed my cynicism take control. I would doubt that blessed feeling I felt each time you held me close and I would doubt those happy moments we shared. That killed me and eventually it killed you, then us.

I wished I had learned to be happy; to indulge in the bliss you so often gave. I wished I hadn’t hurt you and took you for granted. I wish I had treasured you more than I did. I wish I had understood more when all I felt was anger and resentment. I wish I had understood I was also to blame for the distance between us.

There was so much to say but I didn’t. Now they are merely words. Words to express all I’ve always wanted to say, to let you know but didn’t. Thoughts and feelings I’ve kept so well hidden that they now gnaw at me. Maybe that was my way of hiding my insecurities. I was afraid you’d see through me; see that I was nothing more than an empty shell without a soul. I was afraid you’d leave. So I hid myself in your shadow, burdening you with my attention seeking ways. Till you roused me from my deep slumber and I realized I must change.

If there was any anger then, there are none now. My heart holds no resentment as the hurt and anger has been swept away, it only knows it loves you. I can only be grateful for all that you’ve done. I have learnt how to love truly, even though I now realized now painful it can be. But for once in my entire life, I can say I have no regrets. I must thank you for giving me such beautiful memories. For the first time in my life, I shall carry with me memories that are not tainted with hate. If I had to drift through my entire life just to meet you again, I would. Willingly.

You have taught me what it is like to live with hope. For it was hope that carried me through the darkest hours during our relationship, through the many obstacles that came our way, the ups and downs, all the joy, laughter, pain and anger. It was hope that made me love you harder each time I fall.

Don’t get me wrong. I was no angel, especially at times where I felt I didn’t get enough attention from you. While I did not stray, still there were some attention from others and then there were times when I felt I should be alone but each time I thought about us, I realized that there was only room in my heart for you. So I held on.

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish there is a way for me to show it to you somehow, the impact you have, for without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have found myself. I would still be living in shadows. You made me want to be a better person, to strive to be one.

People always say, its not whom you can live with, but whom you can’t live without. In this case, you kicked start the change and you’ve let go so I must tear myself away, painful as it is, while I continue this evolution on my own without you to hold my hands. I wish you will know that there will always be a part of you in me, a place where you firmly etched your name, a place where I will never cease to love you. There are still many lessons to learn, but memories of us will give me strength.

There are so many things I wish to do with you, so many things I wish to share. Now I am lost. So lost. As the weekend comes, I find myself missing you and the beach. I remember watching with pride as you played your games. I remember so many things suddenly and wish I could relive them all over again. But I can’t.

I can only wish that you’d be happy and loved. If I could not give you happiness, I’d rather let someone else give you the happiness that you deserve. You told me before never to say I’m sorry. But sorry is all I can say now. Sorry that I have nothing left to offer, except my love and your freedom.

Forgive me as I slowly let go. Forgive me for not being able to be by your side now, I really wish I could stay. Forgive me for the times I hurt you with my cynicism, careless words and behaviour. Forgive me as I seek forgiveness within myself.

But thank you for all the patience, for standing by me even when I was weak. Thank you for all the love and lessons you’ve taught me. But most importantly, thank you for being you.

Maybe one day we will find ourselves watching the sunrise and sunset as we planned. Maybe one day we can finally smile at each other and stroll hand in hand like we used to.

Maybe one day we can finally dance under the stars.

Maybe one day…

All my deepest love
Elizabeth