They say how you spend welcoming the new year is how the coming year will be like. I would like to say that I am non-superstitious and I don’t believe in such crap, but the truth is, I do.

I remember the last 31st December vividly. I spent the entire day deciding what I should do: Expo, Zouk or… home? I woke up from my nap later that evening, still undecided on a location and thinking perhaps I really ought to stay home, till I received a last minute call from daddie clive. He was bored and I was trying to get out somewhere, he convinced me to go to the Sentosa foam party since he was too broke to go to either Zouk or Expo.

The queue for the bus ride into Sentosa was long, and the roads were jammed. The minutes creeped closer and closer to midnight. We managed to get on the bus at 11ish and prayed hope against hope to get to the destination in time to see the fireworks. Which we did, from a distance. Both of us and the busload of people were trapped in the midst of a traffic jam, on the bridge leading to Sentosa! Fucking hell. It was so close…

When we finally got off the bus and headed towards the beach, many people were heading home. They have welcomed the new year in the way they wanted to… but we had just started after the initial disappointment.

The stupid place was teeming with people of all shapes and sizes. I stared in amazement at the crowd. There were babes with hot bodies strutting about in their bikinis, there were the not so babelicious females showing off their not so hot bodies, there were cute guys, there were not so cute guys and there were so many… BANGALAS! Armed with digital cameras (goodness knows how they can afford one), they were eyeing all the females and probably mentally stripping them. It was a nightmare.

I remember the only enjoyment I had was the slow walk along the beach after 6am and watching the dark clouds slowly light up with pink and orange hues. It was a tranquil and beautiful morning but I felt so alone… so detached even with daddie right beside me.

Somehow, that was how my year turned out. It was a roller coaster ride with its many ups and downs – a result from being stuck on the bus in the middle of nowhere perhaps.

I hardly clubbed in 2003. I retreated into a world of my own and was the centre of the storm, often detached from people and things around me. I lost friends and I gained friends. I fell but picked myself up. I’ve been depressed many times yet maintained a grip on myself. I’ve seen people around me go through a range of emotions. I had my fair share of attention which died down when I showed no interest. I had my past catching up on me and men crawling back. I started this blog to document my thoughts but so far I still keep most thoughts to myself. I was apprehensive when it came to human relationships. Tired of all the games, dreary with the fakeness and weary of everything. I sank deep into a pool of cynism and kept my distance off everything. Till Derek came into my life.

I was looking through our past chat archives and wondered how it all started, just when I was resigned to being Miss Independent. Perhaps it is true, love comes when you least expect it.

With the ending of the year, there has been many melancholic moments and self reflection. There has been many heartaches and as well as many blissful moments. I lost some, but I gained some. I may have gained knowledge by being a bystander yet I can never fully grow as a person till I experience everything for myself.

Hopefully in the new year, I can become a better person.

May all my friends and love ones have a great year ahead and all their wishes come true!